Cos I'm BAD ASS How to be a successful ninja and other handy tips

Here is a photo of hot guys…Chuck looks like a jerk here thanks to the weird angle of his head.

I’m not someone who ‘picks up’ often. And by not pick up often I mean I HARDLEY EVER pick up. So when this does happen it’s a huge event that is talked about amongst friends for years-I mean-weeks to come. Usually if I ‘pick up’ (I’m using inverted commas to show how foreign the phrase is to me)  it’s someone I’ve met before or know through a friend, because then there’s a reason to talk to them as you discuss how you both know the same person and other thrilling topics similar to that. So anyway, I found this guy I worked with fairly attractive, he was one of those guys that kind of grows on you…I didn’t really notice him at first and then suddenly one day I was like ‘hey, that guy is hot, awesome there’s a hot guy at my work’ and so I would call his number if I needed an item off the floor for a customer and if he walked past the check-outs I would pretend to be cleaning something just so I could have a good old perve.  The only problem was I wasn’t sure of his age, he had a face that looked could be really young but then he might not be and just have a young face, I was 19 at the time and for all I knew I could have been having a perve on a 16 year old like some common pedo. 

I was out with a best friend one night and I was telling her about my dilemma…I was 19, my dilemmas weren’t really that serious. I told her I wasn’t sure if he had even left school yet and so perving on him felt kind of wrong, but I did it anyway; she said not to worry about it and have another drink.  At that moment I looked up from the conversation to scan the room in case any good looking men had entered since I last checked. Spending most of my time as a single woman meant that my hot guy radar was like a super power, I could pick them from miles away…this was also assisted by the fact that the town I live in has an extremely limited supply of hot men, so when there is one around I can spot them instantly, it’s like spotting a flamingo amongst penguins (first thing that came to my head).  Anyway, I look up and start my scan and who should catch my eye? Yes that’s right, hot guy from work. I was a little intoxicated at the time and so I say out loud ‘Yesssss!’ something that would remain in my head if I were in a sober state.  My friend looked at me, confused, ‘What?’ I was grinning from ear to ear, ‘That hot guy from work is over 18!!!! He just walked past!!!!!’  She wanted to know where but he’d already disappeared into the crowd. I wasn’t planning on trying to hit on him or anything; it was just nice to know I could continue my perving and not feel guilty about it.

As the night wore on, my friend and I both got drunker and drunker. We ended up at the only club in our town at the time that was open till 4am and we hit the dance floor and started showing off our sweet moves, which were of course made all the better thanks to the large amount of alcohol we had consumed.  All that was missing really, was an introduction from Kat Deeley. As we were dancing I did my hot guy scan again, and I noticed hot work guy dancing nearby.  Any doubts or inhibitions had been completely washed away by vodka by now, and so I danced my way over to him, which I bet would have looked totally hot. I was very smooth and used the ‘stating the obvious’ pick-up method and drunkenly mumbled to him how we both worked at the same place. We then started dancing and then making out.  The night continued with us dancing and making out and not necessarily in that order. It was very romantic and classy.

I knew nothing would come out of this encounter and I didn’t really care; at the time being single was so much fun that a boyfriend would have just spoiled things. What I wasn’t expecting however, was for him to completely ignore me the next time we were at work together and pretend like nothing had ever happened. We had never really spoken before the experience and so I was just thinking now we would be on ‘hi, how’s it going’ terms or even just a smile as we walked past each other or something. But no, I walked past him on my way to the staff room a couple of days after our romantic and classy encounter and smiled at him just like any normal person would, and he reacted by turning the other way and pretending he hadn’t seen me. That was really annoying because then things became really awkward and I didn’t know how to act around him. I felt it was really unnecessary….what was the big deal? People make out drunk all the time and still talk to each other afterwards..right? Ross and Rachel did anyway…they even DATED and still remained friends after they broke up, hence why the show was called FRIENDS.  It wasn’t like I was walking past him and winking sleazily and saying ‘hey there sexy! I had fun last night!’ and slapping his ass or something inappropriate like that.

I decided then that he was a jerk and I felt a bit let down…it seemed the more guys I made out with the more jerks I discovered. I had to stop making out with guys…especially hot ones because there weren’t many around in the first place and if I made out with them all there would be none left I could just look at and not think ‘what a jerk’.

The other problem with being a small town is that when you go out you ALWAYS see people you don’t want to and so from then on I would ALWAYS see work guy and he would just ignore me and pretend he didn’t know who I was. I really didn’t care but I just thought it was a bit over the top, seriously, was it that embarrassing that he made out with me? People do dumb things when they’re drunk. That’s something I have learnt as I’ve gotten older/gotten drunk. 

But the most annoying thing about it all is that he didn’t stop being a hot guy. He actually became more attractive as one day he turned up at work with reading glasses on, I have a thing for glasses on hot guys, not the big dorky ones, the small rectangle ones with the black frame. I pretty much melt when I see an attractive guy with glasses, I don’t really know why, but I do, and so it was just frustrating when that happened and I still think that was really mean of him. I kept checking him out, forgetting momentarily that he was a jerk and I had to constantly remind myself so I would stop looking. He made work an uncomfortable place to be. This was a serious dilemma in my 19 year old head.

Thankfully though, my dilemma was solved when he eventually changed jobs and I didn’t have to see him anymore. YAY!

I had actually forgotten all about him until last week when I went out with the same friend I was with before and I saw him. I was looking at him thinking ‘hey, there’s a hot guy, awesome’ (it was a typical night out where hot guys were completely absent from the scene) and then he turned around and I realised who it was. dam. what a jerk. What was unusual was that instead of pretending he didn’t know who I was, he was looking at me…and could it be….? was he…checking me out? nooo, surely not, perhaps I’d had to many beers…or perhaps something large was stuck to my ass. Although I was looking different to last time I’d seen him…my hair had gone from being mid-length and brown to short and blonde and I’d lost weight and toned up a little. He then walked in my direction and accidentally bumped me as he walked past, this time it was ME who pretended not to know who he was and I felt very good about myself. Although I will admit, I did consider for a brief second saying something to him and hooking up with him again just because I was drunk and feeling guy deprived after a recent break-up. Thankfully I was not drunk enough to act on those thoughts and continued to party with my friend. I WIN. But he’s still a hot guy. dam.

Moral of this story? Stay in school and get a good job in a city where there is a greater supply of men and you won’t obsess about every encounter with a guy you have to the point where you write a blog about it. Sorry If I bored you.